Every December, millions of children send letters to Santa asking for everything from puppies to iPhones to snow days on demand. And while Santa always does his best, sometimes those requests collide with… well, reality.
So this year, we imagined what would happen if the Big Guy outsourced his mailroom to a lawyer. The results? Equal parts festive, ridiculous, and painfully accurate.
“Dear Santa, I want a puppy!”
A classic. Timeless. Heart-melting. Unfortunately, Santa must comply with international animal transport rules, proof of vaccinations, species-specific health certificates, and import restrictions for certain breeds. Additionally, Santa cannot deliver live animals without documented parental consent.
Legal opinion: Possible, but requires 6–12 months of paperwork and the approval of someone significantly scarier than the U.S. government: Mom.
“Dear Santa, can I have $100,000?”
Bold. Admirable. Suspicious. Santa Claus LLC is not licensed as a financial institution and therefore cannot distribute large sums of currency without violating anti-money laundering regulations.
Legal opinion: Request denied. Strongly consider applying for college scholarships instead.
“Dear Santa, please bring me one million followers.”
Tempting, but creating fake followers violates the platform’s terms of service, and Santa refuses to get shadow-banned. Also, the elves are already spending too much time on TikTok.
Legal opinion: Santa can deliver self-confidence, but not social-media fraud.
“Dear Santa, I want a snow day!”
Weather modification requires federal approval, climate analysis, and advanced storm-seeding technology that Santa cannot legally operate in North America.
Legal opinion: Nature handles this department. Please direct all complaints to the atmosphere.
“Dear Santa, can you make my parents stop making me clean my room?”
While sympathetic to the hardship, the longstanding “Because I Said So” doctrine grants parents broad authority over household chores. Courts have consistently upheld this power. Appeals are rarely successful, especially when the room is actually a mess.
Legal opinion: You’re on your own, kid.
“Dear Santa, can you teleport me to the North Pole so I can help the elves?”
Charming enthusiasm! However, international child labor laws and travel restrictions prohibit minors from seasonal toy-manufacturing positions, even magical ones. Also, Santa cannot legally transport humans via chimney.
Legal opinion: Consider writing Santa a thank-you letter instead.
Behind every letter, no matter how impossible, is a wish for joy, connection, or a little holiday magic. And while the lawyer in Santa’s office may be a buzzkill, the truth is that kids dream big because they believe. And maybe that’s the part we should protect the most, not with legal clauses, but with love, laughter, and the kind of hope that makes December feel special in the first place.